Letting Go
by carlycarter
Summary: "She thinks she is going crazy, but she doesn't care much." Season 3ish, One shot, Addison.


Just a short ficlet written for a multi fandom project at LJ. Set some time mid season 3 ish. Not a happy fic at all, so don't read if you don't want to! Apologies to Addison for the complete character assassination and infliction of torment\ for the purposes of my story.

Disclaimer- I don't own anything!

_**Addison Montgomery – Private Practice- "Letting go"**_

Addison Montgomery implores herself to **get**. **a**. **grip.**

She has been standing here for hours, she thinks, on this pier. Staring over the railing at the ocean beneath her. She is fairly certain it's been hours. Because the shimmering clear water shining in the sunlight has turned dark and murky. The sun has vanished, and she shivers in the cool night breeze.

The water itself is positively un-inviting. Waves crash loudly beneath the pier she stands on, the ocean sounds angry. **Angry. at. her.** She can hear the whispers through the waves, taunting her, accusing her, condemning her.

The water seems cold. Dark. Suffocating. She wonders what it would feel like to drown. If it would feel any different to this. To living. To breathing.

She feels like the ocean is going to swallow her up any moment. She feels like she doesn't really mind. She is ready. She is waiting.

She stands here, angry ocean beneath her feet, and she asks herself- _Why?_ Why is she such a god awful person? Why does she have to fuck every single thing in her whole god damn life to hell? Why is she a cheater, through and through? And not just a cheater- her best friends husband. Her husbands best friend. Just what the hell is wrong with her?

What is so unlovable about her? She is successful. Wealthy. Intelligent. What is this hideous thing that makes her so untouchable? That dooms her to a life alone, on the fringe of other peoples happiness, other peoples families?

She shakes her head, as she considers the bitter irony of her chosen profession. Of dedicating her life to saving babies, helping other women become mothers, while she is infertile. The knowledge that she can never again get pregnant forces her to think of the pregnancy she terminated all those years ago. The pregnancy she had forced to the back of her mind. She wonders if her infertility is some kind of cosmic punishment. For the affair, the abortion, for putting her career first. She stops for a moment and she swears she hears her child's voice amidst the angry ocean roar. Her child is asking '_Why?'_ Also. _Why didn't you want me? Why didn't you love me? Why do you care so much about all those other people's babies and not me?_

_Don't worry_, she whispers to the empty darkness. _You're better off without me as a mother._

She thinks she is going crazy. But she doesn't care much.

Her arms feel so empty now Lucas is gone. She tells herself that he was never hers to begin with. She never really loved him. Just as she never really loved his father. She tells herself over and over, waiting for it to feel true. Somehow, it's so much easier to let Pete go from her grasp. But losing Lucas, that hurt. She and Pete had both known they were little more than the consolation prize to each other. It was never any secret. She had never handed Pete her heart, not the way she had given it to Derek, to Noah, to Sam. She had learned her lesson. But she hadn't been counting on that baby, with his tiny soft innocent fingers, to reach inside and take hold of her so completely. She hadn't been prepared for that. She simply couldn't fight it.

She knows she makes a pathetic sight, drunk, and feeling sorry for herself. She knows she has a lot to be thankful for. She tells herself that people love her, people care about her, she is a part of something, a family. But, for the first time, as she stands in the lonely darkness, she realises that it's all an illusion. That when the shit hits the fan- she is the one out in the cold. Every time. No exceptions.

Naomi blames her exclusively for the thing with Sam. The thing that never even was! Here was Sam, chasing Addison after Naomi had left, saying '_What the hell, we may as well do it, she hates us anyway, right?'_ And Addison the one saying '_No. No, Sam, Naomi is too important to me.'_ But somehow, still, as always, Addison finds herself vilified.

Addison knows she never really belonged here. She had been running away when she came here. Hiding. She had been deluded by fairy tales, dreams of sunshine and a happier life. But it was never _her_ life. She was moving in on the life Sam and Naomi built, the practice Sam and Naomi built- it was, had always been, their life. And that was part of what made it so enticing. So safe.

Addison is waiting, as she stands in the cold. She wants, more than anything, someone's arms around her. That mystical '_someone_' in her imagination doesn't have a face anymore. Once it had been her father, Once Derek, Once Mark, Once Kevin, Once Noah, Once Sam. Now it is just..._someone_. Just anyone. He hasn't got a face, and he hasn't got a name. But he has arms. Strong, loving arms, and he pulls Addison into a tight embrace and promises never to let her go. He whispers to her that he loves her, that he will always keep her safe. He promises her that he won't let her fall, won't let jump. He holds her close, and she feels his heart beating.

Addison shakes her head. She knows this is only a fantasy. She knows in the depths of her mind, she is utterly unworthy, utterly undesirable. Untouchable.

Suddenly, the ocean seems inviting. Suddenly it seems warm. She thinks she would feel less alone in the arms of the ocean, water surrounding her, embracing her. She thinks that painful aching in her chest would disappear as her lungs fill up with water and she no longer has to breath. She thinks, if she listens very carefully, that the ocean is calling her name. She longs to be in a place where nothing hurts anymore. She wants it to stop hurting, she wants to stop hurting other people. She just wants it to stop.

So captivated by her own thoughts, Addison doesn't see the person standing on the sand. Waving frantically to her. She doesn't stop to think that maybe it's not the ocean screaming her name, calling to her.

She doesn't really want to die, she doesn't really want to jump. She just can't stand it. She doesn't know what to do anymore. She doesn't see any point. She doesn't see any way out. Nothing is how it should be, and everything hurts so damn much.

She climbs over the fence rails, her hands still holding tight to steady herself. She closes her eyes. She takes a deep breath as her body sways in the breeze. And she lets go.

She'll never know that someone was standing there, on the shore, watching her. She'll never know that someone cared enough to follow her that night. That someone cared enough to dive in that water and swim out to save her. She'll never know who it was, or why they loved her. They'll never have the chance to tell her.

She knows only one thing, the last thing she thinks as she hits that freezing water. As the ocean engulfs her and everything turns black, all she can think is this- _Damn. It still hurts like hell._


End file.
